I had a good few weeks, with relatively stable mood. I learned lots of new things - several pieces of music to play, how to configure several things in unix systems, how to rescue "bricked" devices like router, etc. Also finished programming an iphone app, had a few successes at work, earned some money on stock exchange, helped my daughter at school, my son did well at the university.And read to pieces of classical literature. And probably something else too.
When things appeared to be running just fine, the monsters suddenly got out from their hideaways, and started their vicious dance. They go around my mind day at night, performing as a choir. The lyrics of their song go as follows:
Yes, you can do so many various things,
but let's be honest:
all this is rubbish. You do it because
you need it. No one else needs it, and
no one will give you anything for that.
The only thing that counts if your job
because you are paid for it,
and you are not the top dog there.
You do not put enough time, effort and heart
because you do it for money and not because you love it.
You screwed it all up when you were young
And now it is too late to change.
This is why no one respects you there,
your wife does not respect you either,
nor do your children.
The only reason for you to exist is to earn their living
and yes, you can have some surrogate fun in the evening or on weekend,
Learning to play another piece of Bach or Jimmy Page,
Reading Shakespeare or Dostoevsky,
Getting lost in Objective C,
But you know well - this is never will make you happy,
because deep inside you are nobody,
and there is no good reason to get up in the morning.
I am writing this at 6 am - they must have gone tired a bit, because now it is relatively quiet (this means that my mood is not that bad - but not good either). I will go to the gym in a moment for some solid workout, perhaps this will keep them away (who knows - sometimes it does).
The one thing that keeps me going for a moment is fighting them....
