Sunday 10 November 2013

A Pact With The Monster

From time to time I am trying something new to see if it would help stabilise my mood. It can be a change in my behaviour, nutrition, the way I speak, and so on. So far, I have tried a number of things, with variable results. Here is a list of what I can remember:

  • Quitting smoking. This definitely helped my physical health, and at first made me very happy with my success, but that effect did not last too long. Now I have not smoked for more than 15 years, yet I had several significant periods of depression, as severe as when I smoked. But I am very happy that I did quit.
  • Getting into a group of friends instead of being a "lone wolf". This worked for a few days or weeks, after which I had to run so I could be alone and do what I wanted and not what other people wanted that we did. And I wanted to do things on my own and alone!
  • Starting a regimen of physical exercise. Same as smoking, it had a significant positive effect on my health, and resulted in elated mood for a while, but not for too long. And when I feel depressed, I have to force myself to exercise, as much as I can. After I force myself to exercise there is perhaps a little mood improvement that keeps me up for a few hours. So I continue it, but it is not a long-term cure.
  • Going vegetarian. That was a mistake, I felt horrible, no benefit or fun whatsoever.
  • Stopping drinking alcohol. Actually, I do not like just "having a drink". Whenever I have had one or perhaps two drinks, it makes me unable to function. I cannot think straight, I cannot drive, I cannot exercise, I just do not feel right. And I always have something to do. But there is an exception: I like to have a good few drinks on Friday or perhaps another occasion, ideally in a good company of someone I can have a good, deep conversation with. It seems to have a cathartic effect on my mind the next day, I wake up free of running the loops of negative thoughts, and can start the new week fresh. Strictly no overdosing though - hangover is not welcome. And so I thought one day that perhaps that was wrong - perhaps I should not rely on the purgative effect of alcohol, and just let the thoughts turn into action. After a few weeks (eight or so) I was extremely tired with myself, but there was no action. Actually, I noticed that I am more likely to take some little positive actions when I do allow myself to enjoy some nice wine on Friday night; I am still not sure about this being just masking the need for a "big change". Perhaps I am not yet ready for a "big change", or I just do not know what this could be.
  • Stopping eating any wheat. Bread, cookies, pastas, dumplings, etc. I read lots of stuff about the problems wheat may be causing, some of them make sense to me, but others sound like a paranoic belief. A very true thing though is that wheat is a very "unnatural" type of food for a human (same as all grains though), we cannot eat wheat unprocessed. We need to do many things to it to make it edible, it is actually one of the oldest processed foods. But does it mean that it is bad? I am not sure. I stopped eating it, and initially there was one effect: I ate less, I did not have the bout of hunger. But soon I compensated with other things - meat, cheese, fruit, nuts, chocolate, all these can be overeaten and give me quite a lot of pleasure. I am still trying to stay away from wheat, as I see it as pure energy without much other nutritional value, but I cannot say abstaining from wheat has had a dramatic effect on my life.
  •  There must have been other things but all that would still be boring.
Now I am entering a pact with the monster: I decided that I will stop smiling.

Why stop smiling?  I have a great sense of humour, but sometimes I feel that I am abusing it. Whenever I should be serious and strong, I use my humour, jokes, and I think I am perceived as goofy, unreliable, and not respected. I thought about it for a while, and the trigger was when I read about a recent that showed that for a male smiling is not necessarily a great idea. You can read it here: http://www.publicaffairs.ubc.ca/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Happy-Guys...in-pres-Emotion.pdf

Of course a study is a study, it is just an observation under specific experimental conditions and drawing conclusions from the "calculation of the unlikeness that what we saw was just a coincidence". If you are not a scientist, this is my way to explain to you what most research studies are about. What it means is that the results of any studies are unlikely to be a coincidence, but still can be a coincidence. In real life, scientists usually accept that the likelihood less than 1:20 or 5% are good enough to assume that things are not a coincidence. So the study may be wrong.

But I will try for myself. This is my pact with the monster. He does not want me to smile? Fine. I will not. In a controlled way, and on my own terms. I will tell you the outcome in a few weeks.

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