A few days ago I wrote about various things I tried to deal with my mood problems, and I mentioned the interesting finding that alcohol, applied at right time and in appropriate (not too little and not too much) amount, seemed to help break the vicious loops of negative thoughts controlling my mind when I am depressed. It does not seem to work when I am heavily depressed, but it seems to work when I am, let's say, at 3 on a 5-point severity scale.
The concept of loops of negative thoughts is nothing original, I read about it in many places. But it does feel like something I experience when I am depressed, it feels like my thoughts produce the wrong neurotransmitters, which make me feel gloomy and then I think of even more bad things, and then there is more bad stuff flooding my brain, and so on and so on. Of course when I am not depressed (which does happen), all that does not make any sense, and I see the absurdity of my depressive thinking. The challenge is once I am in a loop of negative processing, or explanatory process, or whatever I call it, it is almost impossible to break it. Something must happen to stop it. There are concepts shock therapy (electronconvulsive, and also insulin shocks in the past) work exactly in this way - be resetting the looped processes in the brain. Of course this is a theory only, and there is no proof. But, as I mentioned, a drinking session with a good friend does help from time to time. Perhaps it is an old method of self-therapy? It is very risky though, as it may lead to dependence and all the nightmare of alcohol problems, so I do not recommend it to anyone, especially to people who have a tendency to get hooked on anything. But perhaps this is the sense of so called "civilised drinking".
Coming back to the idea of "negative loops", there is this wonderful blog about depression, a real masterpiece, and I can only wish I were able to create something like that. It is called Hyperbole and a Half, and it is here: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com. This is really a piece of art, not only a blog. If you get to the very end of part II, there is actually something very interesting: the author, desperate, exhausted, and hopeless, is crying on the kitchen floor. And then she sees a piece of corn under the refrigerator, And seeing this piece of corn somehow breaks the loop of negative thinking and triggers an uncontrolled loop of happiness and laughter. How amazing!
Having been severely depressed many times in my life, with the episodes lasting anything from weeks to months, I experienced similar things. For no reason, the depression would go away one day, leaving me in a slightly elated mood, perhaps a bit hypomanic. There would be something allowing me to break the loops of negative thoughts, although I am not sure what that could be. My own piece of corn. I may have seen something, I may have started doing something, I may have spoken to someone about something particular. I had not had the expectation that it would help in any way, and I did not do anything intentionally. It just happened.
And thus it is so important that when I am starting feeling depressed, I keep trying. Trying to look for a piece of corn, instead of locking myself in my depressed mind. I cannot think myself out of depression - actually, the more I think, the worse it gets. But when I force myself to do stuff, interact with people, and watch out for things around me, it does happen to me to find a "piece of corn" that somehow brings my brain to balance. I experienced it yesterday, when I woke up in such mood that I thought it might have been better not to wake up. I also experienced it today, when I had a moment of weakness, having travelled across time zones and being rather out-of-sync with the world around me. Somehow, it does seem to work, and it is good to do something actively for as long as I have the energy and drive to do it. To actively find my piece of corn that will reset my thinking loops and correct the mood.
If I do not kill the monster when it is tiny - it will grow. I know it. And then I will have no energy to look for a piece of corn. I will have to wait until it just happens to be in front of me, and this may take months. A terrifying perspective.
very useful for me.
ReplyDeletethank you.