Laughing at my own expectations

As I am not in too bad mood now (compared to several episodes I had in my life), I am able to take some distance to myself and my expectations. The expectations are very important, as they form the base for the negative thinking I experience when the bad mood kicks in. If I am not in the middle of severe episode, I can - to a degree - control them. For example, I can wake up in the morning with my head full of accusations against myself, but once I have taken a shower, have a cup of coffee, and can sit outside beathing in the fragrant air and listening to the music of light rain in concert with the crickets and morning birds, these self-destructive thouhgts seem to fade away a bit. This is exactly what is going on today.

But when I am in the middle of a fully blown bad mood episode, lasting for months, things are not so easy. Neither he birds, the rain, the crickets, nor anything else like thinking of my loving family or all the (little?) successes I did have in life, can suppress these thoughts.

Here is an example of the charges my internal plantiff will typically throw at me:

I have not graduated from Cambridge or Harvard or another great school, my son is not at Cambridge or Harvard or another great school, my son is not even at the best state school, my daughter gave up a musical instrument she was great at, my wife is fat, my wife does not want sex, I am too fat and have not managed to lose as much weight as I want, I drink a bottle of wine every Friday, I have not got a beautiful Victorian house in the UK, I have not got a beautiful house on the ocean, I do not leave in a great city that would allow me to go to concerts, opera or ballet shows, my wife does not run any business, I do not run any sensible business, I do work which is not my heart’s desire, I do not drive an Aston Martin, I cannot afford buying my wife a blue Ford Thunderbird for her birthday, I do not speak French, I do not speak Spanish, I do not speak Japanese, I did not learn Russian very well and now have problems reading in Russian, I do not play guitar perfectly, I do not play piano well, I do not play violin or cello or saxophone or clarinet or trombone at all, I forgot most of the calculus from school, I do not know statistics by heart and I need to put a lot of effort to understand some of it (with variable outcome), I cannot make probability calculations quickly in my mind, I do not have many friends, I do not care about my Mum the way I think I should and the way she expects it, I cannot ride a motorcycle (and do not own one), I have not learned how to fight with my fists or mastered any martial arts, I cannot play any sport really well, my swimming is just enough to survice but generally pathetic and I cannot do diving properly, I have not invented anything, I have not created anything that would sell well, I am not financially independent, I am not using my background education fully, I do not have a PhD, I am not in the C-suite of my company, I am not even if the second tier management, I cannot afford to take my family to dine out every weekend, I do not have a boat, I cannot afford to hire a boat whenever I like to, I have not read all classical literature that I would like to, I have not written a book, I have not written a poem, I have not created a popular website, I do not have James Bond personality, I am not controlling my eating 100%, I get tired in the afternoons, I get headaches, I get stomach aches, I am getting old, I get bored at (boring) meetings instead of showing enthusiasm and attention, I have no been born in a richh family, I have not married into a rich family, I have not been born in upper class in England, I have not married into upper class in England, I have not been knighted by the Queen...

I can probably continue adding the same amount every day. Ridiculuous, isn't it?

Looking at the above, there are things that I probaby could have achieved, and there are things I could not, and there are things I still can achieve. But even for the latter, I cannot achieve all of them.

So why am I beating myself on the head?