The Monsters of Unachievement

This morning, there were two of them.

The first one took me to my holidays, with my wife and her sister. We were somewhere on the coast in my home country, close to the two places I used to go for holidays as a student (actually now I realise that I used to go to only one of those places; the other was nearby but I never really stayed there. But it was nice too.) These places were like paradise for me at that time, completely different from the mainstream way of spending the vacations, with all the nature, freedom, depth of experience, humanity, and very little focus on money and material aspects of life. Beautiful, although might appear a bit uncomfortable by the standards of my life today. Never mind.

First, I was alone, trying to park the car. I ended up somehow in a large multistorey car park, close to a town nearby. It was all dirty, run down, rough concrete, with steep thresholds between the levels (about a 30 cm or a foot if you prefer), therefore I was not sure ho anyone could drive there. It was smelly, reminding me of some dodgy places I saw and smelled in some countries which I will not mention here, as I do not want to offend anyone.  I was almost unable to park the car, there were plenty of strange people. Finally, I found a place, and exited through a very suspicious place, a kind of a financial shop that offered a quick-rich scheme, not sure how. Anyway, I had a long way to get somewhere. Then I was with my wife and her sister; the latter was very keen on seeing all the places, and I wanted to fit everything in one day, especially the place where I actually used to stay for holidays first, and then take her to the other place. And my wife insisted that we only go to the other place, because we had no time. I did not like that.

At the end, we somehow ran around, as everything seemed very far from the parking. And we did not have time to see anything. I was quite unhappy and frustrated.

The second one was about my wife making herself extremely attractive (I will not tell you the details, use your imagination), and obviously me wanting to have some intimacy with her, and then many things coming in the way. Somehow some children appeared, that had to be sent to school (I do not even know if these were my children), and also there was a voice saying that there was no way our intimacy could happen, because there were so many things that I had to look after at that time. And of course there was no intimacy.

I woke up quite angry and frustrated. I can see a common theme in both dreams, wanting something that I cannot have. Wanting too much in terms of volume that cannot be fit into reality, or too much in terms of the other person's engagement, that cannot fit into that person's agenda. These themes have been running through all my life.

It is very hard for me to give up what I want though.