The siege is over - for now. I woke up this morning, and I feel like I
am born again. I am quite happy just because I do not feel the way I
felt yesterday, and it was incredibly quick. I cannot understand what
caused yesterday's gloom, and I can only tell you one thing:
It was awful.
I
hardly got through the day, unable to focus on anything at work,
feeling hopeless, and not seeing any sense in anything. The work sucked,
the friends sucked, my family sucked, I sucked. I saw myself as
worthless, my past life as full of mistakes, the presence being the
consequence of my faults, and no hopes for the future either. At home, I
could hardly force myself to do anything (I did, at the end of the day,
play some sad music at the end on the piano, and I read two pages of a
book in foreign language). I was relieved when I could go to bed - and
escape into the night. The only good thing I did yesterday was that I
did not do anything stupid, like a bad decision at work, etc. But this
is because I did not do anything at all.
There were no
monsters at night. There was a strange dream - and quite disgusting.
Basically I soiled the floor at home, and not only one spot, but a long
stretch. And I slipped on it, and got soiled myself. My wife saw it.
Then I got up, and said "So what? I am just sick." or something like
that. I cleaned the floor, washed myself, and all was fine.
And then I got up, and I am fine too.
(Until the next time. One day was nothing, compared to feeling like that for many months. This is what I need to beware of)
No comments:
Post a Comment